Oh boy. I’ve been in one learning experience after the other lately, or so it seems.

First of all, tomorrow I have my second baclofen pump refill and then after that appointment I have my three month check up with my oncologist. I am anxious to know the results of my labwork, to see whether my MM is starting to stir. As sad and sick as this sounds, there was a time I truly wished it would just stir up and I could pass on and simply go on to see Jesus. Seriously. In a slight way, I still hope that, only I’m sort of fearful about the dying process…like will I have a hard time breathing for a long time. That panics me a bit, maybe because there are times I feel a bit stuffy or short of breath.

I think this nerve pain from my spinal cord damage plays the biggest part with my discomfort and perhaps my lack of a will to fight that hard. Side effects from tough medications are so hard to cope with at best, so with this difficulty walking and the sensations…I’m just not sure I can handle treatment side effects on top of it. Ugh…

So, tomorrow will be telling. A part of me wants a little more time yet. Another part of me wants to just get it over with. I hope if I am to die of this beastly disease, I hope it goes fast. I hope the pain killers are strong. I’m a chicken I suppose. Again, I think this discomfort and pain I have with the spinal cord has just done me in.

Anyway, there’s also Xray results tomorrow. You know what it’s like…it’s that “hump” you need to get over until the next labwork time.

This time when I get my pump refilled, Susan (the assistant) noted that they’ll refill with a high concentration of the medicine. That way I will be able to go longer between refills. I think I had it refilled only 3 months ago or so…I’ll have to check.

Something seems to be happening, though. I’m really tired and I’m just having a harder time with the things I have a hard time with…due to that darn old spinal cord damage: walking, going to the bathroom. The burning and miscellaneous cramps and spasms has intensified, too.

But ya know, if my labwork is OK, then perhaps when you have nerve and spinal damage, this is just the stuff that must be dealt with.

On another note, I’ve been a bit touchy or short at the trigger lately. Perhaps that isn’t quite the truth because I haven’t felt short with family or friends one bit. But of course we all get along very well. I’ve just had little patience or compassion even in a few instances I’ve found myself in, let’s say in the past five or six months. I know my physical pain keeps me on edge a bit. Then, I do think the undercurrent in America is troubling to me. And ya know, this is silly of ME to let this stuff get to me…especially in the way I’ve let it. My gosh, my FAITH in God alone should rise above these issues with God’s people. Wake up, Cindy!! (Yes..this is when I’m not only talking to myself..but I’m writing to myself aren’t I? Don’t call the men in white coats just yet…please let me finish.)

Anyway, I think I need to get a handle on some of my emotions. My first thought is to go to God..and yes, that is what I will and should do. I’ve not acted like a Christ-follower at all. In many ways and many times, I’m ashamed. But I think I’m realizing that one gets quite peculiar when he or she lives alone. It’s wise to get out with people. I’ve tried to attend a few bible studies, but as of late I’ve skipped them because I just don’t feel good or comfortable being away from home (and my own bathroom…if you get my drift.)

My biggest issue might not be my MM markers, but it might just be my current disposition. I need to get happy; I need to have a happy-talk with myself. I don’t want to be grouchy anymore. Maybe I let hurt feelings from that one lady go astray.

No wonder I use to jog so much. I needed to release so much energy. I thought about that today. I could just feel that energy that usually led me to run. Running and jogging or even long, brisk walks are wonderful for not only the figure, but also the spirit.