I saw Dr. M yesterday. Remember the days I had the female oncologist who was so rude? I’m so glad I changed doctors. Dr. M is so kind. My numbers are back to where they were in August 2009. My numbers had just lowered on their own since then, so although they’ve gone in the wrong direction, they’re still not too bad. We’ll just watch them. I return in 3 months for lab work. Dr. M ordered complete xrays since it’s been a while since I’ve had them. He said we’ll just check to make sure there’s no small lesions. I’m not worried.

I did tell Dr. M that if my numbers change to where I need treatment, that I was not sure what I could stand. Since treatment usually comes with some kind of side effects, I just am not sure what I can cope with along with the pain I feel with this spinal cord damage. I told him that I may consider just letting it go and keeping me comfortable. He understand how I feel, wanting more quality of life. But for me, it’s more about “physical pain.” I just can’t take any more pain, discomfort, or inability to get around. If I wasn’t dealing with the spinal cord damage, heck, I’d be more into this.

Dr. M told me about his bil who injured his spine and required a catheter. He began getting infections which required hospitalizations. I guess his bil finally got fed up and the last infection just decided to not fight it anymore. They kept him comfortable and he died. Wow! Dr. M said he was horrified at first because, well, he’s a doctor and they fight for us to live! At least they’re supposed to. But Dr. M understands it. I just told Dr. M to promise to keep me comfortable. He said he would, that they’re good at that now days. This all sounds so morbid, but it really wasn’t. We were even cracking jokes. Somehow it was a much more light-hearted yet good conversation yesterday, yet writing it down now sounds morbid and horrible.

Oh well. I just know that I’m doing fine. And when I do start to progress, I may try treatment, but if it hurts or causes me more pain then Dr. M can help and keep me comfortable. It’s not so bad.

We’re so lucky with what they can do now, whether it be treatment, healing, or just being comfortable.

I didn’t go to bible study today because I didn’t feel like getting out in the cold and I was feeling too lazy to get out and around. I don’t know if I regret being lazy or not.