That title fits me in two ways.  First, I just can’t find a design on here that I can get comfortable with. I want one that is easy to get to “Site Admin,” is attractive, and easy on the eye or to read. I’m not real happy with this design. So, until I find the right fit, I’ll probably make changes quite often to the design of this blog.

Second, I still can not get comfortable in my body, BUT, the difference is that I am doing better. Yesterday morning I did not want to get up and out of bed to go to physical therapy. Uh-hum…my appointment was at 1:00pm. So YES, that is right, I did not want to get up even that late in the morning! There was an overcast outside, it looked cold and it was supposed to snow or ice!

I was toying with canceling PT when my sister J called to see if I wanted her to drive me to PT. I took her up on her offer. My feet and legs were hurting and not working very well. It was so hard to walk, even with my walker, when I let my dog outside to poddy. But once I got up and around I did better.

Because of my slow start I was fearful I would have a set back at PT. WRONG! I had a great session. My last exercise Woody put a belt around me and he followed behind me as I walked around the clinic without my cane! If I was to fall I don’t see how Woody would have caught me. I did not tell him that, but I would have taken him down with me if I fell. Most of my walk was down halls so I had walls to hang on to if I lost my balance. I did pretty good.

We did two laps. Then once we were back in the exercise room, he had me try to walk fast. That was a bit challenging, but it was interesting to see how well I did. Lastly, he had me walk backwards. I think what stinks about all this is that my grandson walks so much better than I do now! 🙂

The swelling in my ankles was the lowest it has been in I don’t know how long. After walking around it swelled up a bit, but not to bad. Even Woody is a little perplexed at my swelling in my ankles. I will ask the Nurse Practitioner about it next Monday when I go back to have my pump medicine adjusted.

Speaking of my pump, I am doing fine. I am now up to 80 mcg per day. Susan thought I may need to get up to about 100 or 120 mcg. That is so strange to think that before the pump I was taking 80,000 mcg’s a day and not having near the success I am now with only 80 mcg’s; it’s because the medicine is going directly into my spinal cord where the problem resides.

Today was a good day as far as my days go! I decided to push myself a bit and go to my Tuesday afternoon bible study (1p-3p). I am so glad I made it. This study is in its 7th week. I have missed the first 6 weeks of the study and have missed it. It was so good to be with these good people – AND it was good to get out.

Better yet, I no more got out and on my way and the sun actually peeked out of the cloulds several times during the day.

My feet burn badly. My calves feel yucky and my ankles are stiff, but it is doable. I’ve got to tell myself it is doable. It is darned hard, but I think that’s how you handle it. And when I decide to do that, it seems to work. I am having longer moments at a time where I don’t “think” of the pain. I know your body adjusts to “new normals.” My body has adjusted to lots of new normals since 10/05.

I don’t know if other people with Multiple Myeloma (MM) ever feel this way, but I often envy some people with other cancers. Notice I said “some” people. I keep seeing these people battling cancer and yet they are doing stuff. They walk and sometimes they even run and hop!! They can function. Even before this spinal injury from the radiation, this MM did something to me. When I first got sick, something happened to my right shoulder and arm and within three days I could not move my arm at all. I had a … gosh I forget what you call it now … but it’s a soft sort of tumor or collection of cells that MM has. The Thalidomide got rid of it for the most part, but I’ve not been the same since. The Stem Cell Transplant (SCT) also affected my joints big time.

It’s frustrating at times but as I’ve said before, I don’t have to look very far around to see people with much heavier loads than mine.

So, while I can not get comfortable in my body I am actually getting better at tolerating it. It just takes effort, motivation, and all that sort of stuff. I noter mentioned his son uses meditation. I think that is worth looking into. One thing at a time, but it’s certainly worth looking into.

Something that’s really bothered me, probably far more than the physical discomfort, is that I’ve felt spiritually uncomfortable for some time now. I have NOT lost my faith. I could not do that. I love Jesus very much and my faith remains strong and true. But it’s been my walk that has been my struggle. It’s been walking my talk and doing as I think my Lord wants me to do – that’s where I’ve felt sadness and failure.

I’ve prayed. Perhaps I could have prayed harder, but I prayed. The good news is that He is answering me. I can’t lose this moment though. I can’t stop hearing His answers.