Cindy’s Multiple Myeloma Blog

Isn’t that what life’s about?  The bitter and the sweet?  I’m tasting a bit of both. 

Am I a “glass half full” or a “glass half empty” person?

Am I bitter or am I sweet?

Am I thankful or am I unappreciative?

Am I selfless or am I selfish?

Am I self-centered or do I think of others first and more?

I have so much to be thankful for.  I have many loving people around me, and yet …

I’ve typed several paragraphs here trying to express my thoughts, but then I feel embarrassed or worried at my thoughts being read….so delete..delete…delete.  Maybe it’s better that way. 

On a bright note, my horses brought such a  smile to my face today.  As I walked to the gate this evening, Lucy [quarter horse] came running up to me.  Of course she was motivated  by food, I’m sure, but just running up to me with all her friskiness was such a sight and feeling, it’s hard to explain.   She followed me respectfully until Sir Joey [quarter-horse-type gelding], the bossy boy, came running up also, then she had to go her way.  It’s so cold here in Missouri and all of my horses, four total, look like teddy bears. 

There better be horses in Heaven, and not only that, I want MY horses in Heaven.   I was never exposed to horses that much growing up.  The times I was exposed to them, I was frightened of them.  The only time I wasn’t scared was when I was riding behind my sister, bareback, on Melody.  I’d hold on tight to my big sis and we’d gallop up the rolling hills in the back of our neighborhood.  I’d press my cheek against my sisters back and watch our shadow in the green grass.  What a horseman she was, too!  She was a natural.  Later in life she got a Morgan horse, Maudi.  Doris had natural instincts with horses and never did things the “normal way” but instead she handled her horses naturally.  We never knew that until I told her all I’ve learned with PNH (Parelli Natural Horsemanship).  She instinctively approached horses very similarly.   By the time I got into horses, Doris moved to Colorado and had hip problems to the degree that she needed hip replacement.  I guess feeling that way she felt too weak physically and didn’t feel the interest to give horses another try.  We both wish that we’d both had the interest and time for horses at the same time along with the knowledge of  PNH.  What fun we would have had!

I’ve talked to a few individuals about finding a good home for my horses when my fateful time comes.  I worry more about my horses than I do my children after I die.  My sons have good wives and families.  My horses don’t have anyone else who loves them, but me.  I’m amazed in a sad way how people treat horses.  They buy a horse, keep it a little while and decide they don’t like it, so sell it and get another one.  I can’t understand that with any animal/pet, much less a creature as beautiful as a horse.  Just the name, horse, is a beautiful sounding word.  Horse.  Surely they are God’s favorite animal, as he’s riding on one his second coming! 

It would break my heart to give up any one of my horses right now, but if the right person came along and fell in love with one of my horses, I would give them the horse just to ensure my horse has a good home.  The Arabs are 8, Lucy is 14, and Joey is…20-ish.  I think horses live an average of 20-something years, though some reach their 30’s.  Before I got MM I used to figure I’d be around 70 when my Arabs would be 26.   So I would think that I have to at least live that long to outlive my horses.  Dr. M said my MM was aggressive…what does that mean?  Can it become “not aggressive”?  How much longer do I have and in what condition will I be?  These type of questions constantly come up with many decisions I make, but especially come up when I think of the fate of my horses.    I want to think positive and not assume I’m going to die within the trends of MM, but then I want to be realistic and make any necessary plans and decisions I should in order that my horses are taken care of, etc. 

When it comes down to it all, I have to put it all in God’s hands. 

I met with someone today to discuss the possibility of selling my land or part of it.  I met with a great lady whom I trust very much and is simply a very kind person.  We got pretty creative.  Who knows what we can come up with regarding my land and finances.  I’m giving it to God to handle.  He always works miracles in my life when I let him. 

I just need to turn over my sons to Him, to straighten them out!   

Filed under: Contemplative, Faith and