Sorry it’s been so long since I made an entry ~ or shall I say “blogged”? I’ve just been so very tired and was down with a URI for nearly the entire week. I’m talking in bed, 24/7. I had my doctor call in medicine (Z-pac) to a local pharmacy here in town so I wouldn’t have to drive so far, but I didn’t feel like I could even drive safely the few miles into town, even going the back way. So, poor Adam, I had my son drive all the way south here to pick up the meds for me. Such a sweet boy I have.

I have not only NOT juiced, but I haven’t been eating healthy. I’ve not even been very hungry, but when I eat, I eat just regular food. I typically snack on apples and celery but I have snacked on Muskateers, M&M’s, and Twizzlers lately, too.

Thanksgiving was wonderful in that my boys and their wives were here. We spent Thanksgiving Day at my neice’s house. Doris and Jenny came in from Colorado. They hadn’t planned on coming until after a conversation I was having with Doris where I had a pity party and probably scared Doris. Oh well, it got her here! 😉

I’ve been so weak and tired, yet we did manage to all do a bunch together during the Thanksgiving Holiday. We all went out and shopped together, including cousins. We had a BBQ at neice’s house, too, after the day of shopping. The boys were so happy to be around each other and family. That warmed my heart so much. I guess every mom wants her children to be together, especially during the Holidays. Life is hard there. This world is just too big and family can spread out too far. What a journey. Heaven will be wonderful! I know we’ll just “be” with each other whenever we want. I’m reading those “Left Behind” books and after the Rapture Irene Steele described being with her son, Raymie, in Heaven as you just think about the person and you’re sort of just….there. This book series doesn’t claim to be how it will be, but it just provides a possibility of how things could be like. One way or the other, God will make us happy and I’m sure we’ll never feel the ‘separateness’ that we feel here on earth.

Anyway, did I say I have wonderful family and daughter-in-laws? They both gave up so much to be here. It’s tough sometimes, being the mother of boys. Sons just aren’t daughters. Duh. But, any mom whose had a daughter knows what I mean. Girls just naturally gravitate to their mama’s, more so as they grow older. Usually. It’s a “girl thing”. We girls just have to talk more and boys, well, boys….they talk little. But, I’m learning that when boys talk, it’s precious, not trivial, and it is great conversation. I’m lucky. I’m blessed. My sons are precious and my daughter-in-laws are precious. Oh, those girls. I’ll go into them [my dauther-in-laws] another entry – fellow MMr’s won’t be getting too much out of this part maybe, then again, maybe so. It just confirms, you can be feeling like hell with this beast, Multiple Myeloma, and yet still worry about the trivial things in life.

As that poison [Revlimid] must be eliminating out of my body, I am feeling a variety of sensations. Am I left with just the effects of the cancer itself? Maybe. I’m still so darned fatigued. I guess those steroids, along with the bad side effects also must have been energizing me in some way. I am less fatigued, I think, and definitely less body aches now without the Relimid, but I still suffer with both those symptoms. My fingers are weird. They swell and hurt. Arthritis symptoms bad. Why would it just escalate this fast suddenly? Is it the Myeloma doing it? I don’t know. Maybe that is a good question for the doctor: “If before I got sick with MM and didn’t feel Arthritis at all, how come after my stem cell transplant (SCT) that it has escalated?” I’m wondering if this is part of the myeloma cells in my body? I recall reading something about how the myeloma works on your bones. Something about how our bones naturally break down and rebuild. When the rebuilding process begins, the myeloma attackes the enzymes (is it “enzymes”??) that are trying to rebuild bone. That’s how lesions are formed and why they say your bones get sort of like “Swiss Cheese.”

It dawned on me lately that I might be too healthy and that will make this a long and drawn out death. Morbid I know, but truth. I’m tired of the pain and fatigue. I want to either get on or off the pot. I guess I have to get mad in order to fight it maybe, to get spunk so I can at least live as quality-filled as possible.

I almost hate for family and friends to read this blog, because as I type I am noticing I’m just beginning to let loose with my thoughts. I’m hoping I can turn this journey around, make it positive, but if not – at least provide honesty. I ultimately hope that it will be good for other MMr’s, but not so for family and friends. They will feel bad for me. Please don’t.

While I have had some tough times for the past month, I’m hoping things may be turning around. I haven’t juiced nor taken any vitamins or supplements for a while; I just haven’t felt like it. But today I took vitamins and supplements. I need to get fresh vegetables so I can juice. I need to research the things suggested in notes here and I have lots and lots, and I mean LOTS of other sources to research. Sounds like I need to be thinking about a much more expensive juicer – or at least something that I can get the juice from wheatgrass. In the meantime, wonder if I can buy wheatgrass juice somewhere? I’ll ask at Nature’s Pantry. For $15 I purchased a card where they give you 5% off of everything plus notify you of special days of 10% and sometimes 15% off of items. I will try to start doing my grocery shopping a this health food store. I notice many stores are carrying more healthy and organic brands of food and items.

I purchased natural hair color stuff at Nature’s Pantry. It’s the same stuff my best friend, Shelia, uses.

Tomorrow morning I have the all over body x-rays. I guess they’ll be compared to my May 2007 x-rays to see if there’s anything going on. I should call and find out my IGG numbers now instead of wait until December 10th, but then what difference will it make? They’re so busy I hate to have to have someone stop and call me. They’re waiting on cancer patients there – and there’s really nothing to do between now and then. I just need to try to eat and behave as naturally and combative to cancer as I can. Period. If the doctors want to start me on some other treatment, I’m thinking about asking to stall a while. Wonder if I can just wing it for a while, juice carrots and wheat grass every day – can that fight off MM? Or do I just keep on going until I get sick or break a bone or something. I can continue with the monthly Aredia treatment, but just wing it? Hmmm. This other stuff that kills the MM cells just really hurts and messes with your body and body’s functions.

I guess it’s just part of the choices one makes when in this position. You weigh out your options and choose what your willing to give up ~~or not.

My legs were so weak that I couldn’t even move my knee caps! Know when you stand and flex your quad to move your knee cap? A few weeks ago I tried that and noticed my right leg’s knee cap barely moved and my left knee cap did not move at all. Most nights before I go to bed, I flex my legs and lift them in bed. I have to do this anyway because my legs have been having strange and uncomfortable sensations – like Restless Leg Syndrom (RLS). It’s horribly uncomfortable. It makes me almost crazy! Just before I stopped the Revlimid, my legs would twitch and jump up all on their own. My reflexes are very strong. With my leg exercises I believe I’ve made some improvements. I can at least make my knee caps move more now. It’s probably just going to be a slow process, but I will try to hurry it! 😉

At Stef’s baby shower yesterday I made friends with Stef’s sister-in-law, Tiffany’s mom, Linda. She’s had breast cancer – twice, but doing OK now. Linda also has RLS now. We were wondering if it has anything to do with the chemo or treatment we’ve had. Of course, breast cancer and my blood cancer and their respective treatments are very different – so who knows. Linda and I will compare notes later.

So it’s going on nearly a month I’ve been off of steroids and Revlimid. While stiff very fatigued, weak, and sore, I’m much less all these symptoms than when on my former treatment. This cold weather is very hard on me; I find it tougher to get motivated to exercise and do things. The fact I have to get out to the barn for the barn cats and horses at times actually does me good.

Oh my sweet Lord, please give me strength and courage to handle this cancer and my life as you would have me do – and may your Spirit live within me and be visible to others. May I glorify you in all that I do. Amen.